It's been 3 years now...

& finally I was able to let go and let God. Today's praise and worship was unlike no other… it’s what I needed. I made a complete fool out of myself by ‘yelling’ into the microphone while everyone just stared at me shocked during worship; but those yells were a rush of three years of pain and misery that I had comprised inside for too long. Finally I felt like myself, finally I felt like I wasn’t alone, finally I felt forgiven. Before, I entirely lost sight of God’s love for me, mistreated myself and underpriced my worth. Sure, nobody saw the pain I held because I had too much pride to let them see me weak and emotional. But I was completely broken and so alone inside. I hated myself. I hated what I’ve done in the past and the person I’ve become… I couldn’t forgive myself. So how did I manage not to just end my life? Grace, God’s grace. I don’t deserve any of it but He never failed to love me.

A couple of days ago, I found myself walking into my room heavy with disappointment yet so empty. Next thing I knew, I just broke down crying. I couldn’t stop, more tears kept rushing down my face and I basically cried until I literally had no more muscle strength to continue. It was hard because I tried to stay quiet so I wouldn’t wake up my family. So many things were rushing through my mind as I held my face inside a towel. Why did I do it? God, why did this have to happen to me? Why am I like this and like that? WHY WHY WHY?! I stayed in an awkward clenching position for an hour just waiting to see what to do with myself. Nothing felt right anymore, nothing was right. My relationship with my family and friends has been dying, I can’t maintain perfect grades, I lost all motivation to better myself, and had no desire for to pursue my dreams. But slowly God began to speak to me as I began to quiet my mind. For some reason I heard “love yourself”. A little stunned but I began to pray and just ask God to help me forgive myself with the acts I’ve committed. “Humbleness” was the next word. My pride kept me alone and unsatisfied with my life. I refused to let anyone get too close with me because I always thought I didn’t need anyone’s help, or I just didn’t trust anyone. Then more and more God spoke to my heart and was able to transform me completely. It was amazing.

So no, I’m not ashamed for yelling like some crazy person during worship. I was so thirsty for God’s presence to reign down and touch my life as well as others in the youth. IT WAS TIME TO FINALLY TEAR DOWN THE WALLS! No more was I going to fake my feelings and live life carelessly. I give God the highest praise and gratitude. God is so, so, so good <3

Bolted.

I just want to let you know that i'm hurt. Hurt for never being good enough for you and your expectations. That even how hard i try, it's never noticed. I won't mention your name because i can't disrespect you. I'll just keep going thinking that everything will just be okay at the end. God loves me at least. He's really all i need, so why are you always there to ruin it once in a while. I know when i look back to read this at a time when i like you, this will look like bs and emotional. But just for the times that i feel like bs, its here to keep. Gah Judith, you need to man up.